out of control (noxturningxback) wrote,
out of control

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So, what should I do?


//There never seems to be
- Because what I believe -
A moment I'm not trying
To show them who I am
Why can't they understand
The things that they're denying?
They're denying...//

"Oh, I do," I reply in our ridiculous fake accent as I hang up the phone. I do. Derived from I do love. Our way of telling each other we care, without everyone knowing what we're talking about. Not that we pretend we don't, or anything. But this was ours. Two simple words - I do - hold so much meaning for you and I. Well, used to, anyway.

I rest my head on my bent knees, and let the tears fall. I couldn't bring myself to tell you. Again. I had enough trouble telling myself, in the first place. I hate doing this. You know I'm keeping something from you, but you're not sure what. You know, because I told you. I told you that there was something that was really getting to me, but I couldn't bring myself to say to you. I know that my saying that had upset you. It upset me, too. I don't keep things from you. I tell you absolutely everything, which is probably why I felt so compelled to tell you that I couldn't tell you something. Messed up, isn't it?

It's always taken me forever to make up my mind about big things. Permanent things. So, in all actuality, I may never tell you. Three years or so ago, after much deliberation, I came to the conclusion that I'm gay. So, I told everyone that I'm bi, and stuck with that for two years. It wasn't until around when I met you 8 months or so ago, that I admitted to myself, and everyone else, that I'm a lesbian.

So, when I realized that I had fallen for you, I guess it's not such a big secret as to why I had problems coming to terms with it. First of all, you're a guy. A gay guy, at that. Which just complicates things even more. As soon as I really came to terms with it, I had to put on a front. I had to pretend that I didn't have you on my mind all the time. I don't understand it, and I'm not going to pretend like I do. I just... don't get it.

You had asked me if I was sure I'm alright. I always tell you that I'm fine, and you always don't believe me. Understandable though. I wouldn't believe me, either. I don't believe me, either.

I've gotten pretty adept at brushing it off. Denial, pretend, refusal, brush-off... life.

//So what should I do
Just lay next to you
As though I'm unaffected
And who should I be
When they're judging me
As though I'm unaffected//

"You should stay over,"

Of course, I'm going to. It's almost unnecessary to say, now. "Only if you want me to," I know you do. You probably wouldn't have said it if you didn't. Plus, it's late. It's pushing 4am, and we're both starting to get tired. Insomnia at its finest. Literally. It's kind of ironic that we both suffer from it, really.

We trudge upstairs, and I head into the bathroom to change. I come back, clad in purple flowered pants, and a sweatshirt with sleeves that only come to my elbows. You're standing in the middle of the room, stripping down to your underwear. Whatever. Not like it means anything. Next, you'll pull the covers back, and put my pillow on the side of the bed next to the window.

Sure enough... I crawl over you to my side of the bed, and pull the covers up to my chin. After you get into bed, you'll click the light off, and we'll have an in-depth conversation about something meaningful. Some things are reserved for nighttime. I'm not really sure why, they just are.

"I miss him." You tell me, as the lights click off.

I'm not sure who you're talking about. It's either your ex, or your father.

It's your dad this time. Although the subject matter's heavier, I'm almost relieved. We have a tendency to disagree about your ex... You don't see him in the best light, and him and I have always been friends. It doesn't matter though. I listen anyway. We just sort of agree to disagree, and it works for us.

It's getting really late now, and you're getting tired. I've been bitten by the insomnia bug worse than you, and I know I'm not going to sleep anytime soon.

"Give me a hug, I'm falling asleep."

I lean over, and hug and kiss you goodnight. "Goodnight, baby." Nobody calls me that, but you. And you don't do it around anyone else.

"G'night, sweetie." Same deal.

You fall asleep quick, and start to snore. You only do it when you've got a cold. Guess that one's my fault. I replay the day over in my head. We were joking about Baby Noodles. The alleged baby we had, that you drowned in your cousin's shower at her dorm. Ha. Right. We joked about how we're dating, and all the sex we (don't) have.

You roll over and curl up against my side. You're asleep, and you have no idea you're doing it, but it's nice, none the less. I smile, and I'm not sure if I want to cry or not. In the morning, we'll wake up, and laugh, and I'll pretend that I didn't just have a fleeting thought, wishing it was real.

It doesn't matter though, right?

//A chance they'd never give
To ever want to live
The life that I am made of
There's nothing left to prove
My heart's forever true
What is it they're afraid of
Afraid of...//

“I should become a lesbian.”

I couldn’t agree more. “I’d be okay with that.”

“But we couldn’t date,” you tell me, “because I wouldn’t want to break up, and… yeah, don’t break up with me.”

I faked a laugh. First of all, I would never do that to you. You’ve been through enough in the break-up department. Second of all, aside from obvious technicalities, we’d be perfect together. “I wouldn’t break up with you.”

“No, promise me you won’t break up with me.”

I smiled sadly, knowing full well you couldn’t see me. I was in my car in the middle of nowhere, on my way home from a friend’s house. We had been working on the most ridiculous project together, and had put in a late night. You were in your dorm room at school. Almost three hours by car away. “I won’t break up with you.”

“Good,” you said, and I could hear the smile in your voice. Right before my phone cut out. It happened a lot down that stretch of road. Annoying at best.

I hit the re-dial button, and you knew it was me.

“I meant to tell you – I met someone.” Talk about mixed signals. One second, you want to be a lesbian, and the next, you’re making me listen about some guy you met. I didn’t like him. I hadn’t even heard his name, and already, I couldn’t stand him. But I’d never let on. We’re best friends, and I’d do anything for you. Absolutely anything. Even if it means listening to you talk about this new guy.

Sometimes, I don’t understand you, though. I’ve mentioned it to a few people, and it really comes across like you’re into me. As if you maybe feel the same way as I do. But then again, I’m not about to let on, so why would you? The thought terrifies me. I think that’s one thing I won’t ever tell you. Unless I move on, and everything I feel for you is completely platonic. We’ll see.

You and I dating isn’t really an option, anyway, I don’t think. I’m not going to put myself on the line like that.

//So what should I do
Just lay next to you
As though I'm unaffected
And who should I be
When they're judging me
As though I'm unaffected//

You convinced me to come to your school and spend the night. Well, more like I offered, I guess. I know you hadn’t been feeling like yourself, so I offered to keep you company. Right after you called me at one in the morning.

So, now the clock’s pushing five, I’ve done a lot of driving, and had a long day, and I’m exhausted. For once, I actually could just pass out right then and there. But you’re upset, so I’ll have to wait. Whatever, sleep’s overrated, anyway.

This guy you were interested in has been pulling some crazy things that neither of us are very impressed with.

“Sweetie, c’mere.” I pull you closer to me, and you lean your head on my shoulder. I swear, I’ll kill this guy. You don’t cry easily, so I know when you do, something’s definitely not right.

The conversation’s been exhausted, and we’re both tired now. I give you a hug goodnight, and you kiss my cheek, thanking for coming to stay with you. I tell you it’s no problem. You know I’d drop everything for you.

“No, really. You being here means a lot.”

I just smile, tell you not to worry, and lay down.

“You’re so lucky you don’t have to deal with stupid boys.”

If only you knew. I just sort of laugh it off, and say goodnight again. As if I’m going to sleep, now. My boy problems, so to speak, are a little more complex than that. And really, what kind of lesbian has boy problems to begin with, anyway?

I can hear you lightly snoring, and I’m glad you’re getting some sleep. I’ve got to be awake in a few hours, but I don’t mind. I only need a couple hours to keep me awake.

I hate seeing you upset. I get so angry at whoever’s caused it, it’s not even funny. You know how protective I can be, but I don’t think you quite realize the extent of it.

It’s going to be a long night…

//Before they even saw my face
They knew that I was not the same
And decided I was not the one for you
For you...//

“No, don’t be silly. They’re not dating.”

I can hear the voices of your friends that I’m about to meet, from down the hall.

“No, he doesn’t like girls, and she doesn’t like boys. It works out great for them.”

But that’s not true. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a very open person. I don’t mind that they’re talking about me like that. I don’t think they’d get it though. They haven’t even met me, and already they’ve all determined that no, I do not like boys. Therefore, no, I do not like you.

That’s probably your way of thinking, too. Again, not that I can blame you, or even them. It’s just aggravating, is all. I’m only aggravated with myself, though.

//So what should I do
I'm not unaffected
And who should I be
I'm not unaffected//

“You guys know we could hear every word you were saying, right?” You ask them, smiling, as we walk into your room.

“Oh,” the one who was talking starts, “you don’t mind that I…”

“No, no. Not at all.” I cut her off. I really don’t care what she told them about me. I return her smile. Whatever she knows about me isn’t a secret, anyway.

I extend my hand to the new face. “Hi, I don’t like boys.” Everyone laughs, and I laugh with them. It shouldn’t bother me. It’s funny, right?

//So what should I do
Just lay next to you
As though I'm unaffected
And who should I be
When they're judging me
As though I'm unaffected//

“What? You have to stay over. I only came home to visit you. Are you sure everything’s okay? You’re not mad, are you? You’ve never said no, before…”

“No, no,” I cut him off before he could get ideas. “I’m not mad at you. Honestly, sweetie, I don’t even think that’s possible. I’m sorry. I just didn’t want to keep you up with my snoring. Or something. Really. If you want me to stay, of course I will.” It’s almost a valid excuse, I actually do snore when I’ve got a cold. I’m just feeling… awkward. And you can tell. You can read me like a book. I’m being quieter than normal, and I’ve never declined the offer to crash at your place.

We trudge up your stairs, and go through the motions of getting ready to go to bed. I crawl under the covers beside you, and it’s too much. The tears just start.

You don’t question, just pull me close until I calm down. Honestly, why do you have to be so incredible? Seriously, I don’t think situations get more fucked up than this.

“Now, baby, you know I’m not going to ask…”

I smile slightly and hug you tighter. “I know.” You were about to tell me that you won’t pry, but you’ll always listen.

“Are you okay?”

“Don’t worry, it’s fine.”

You pull back slightly, unconvinced. You know I’ll come around sooner or later. A few minutes go by, and we haven’t said anything. You know something’s up, and I know you’ll listen, but I’m not ready yet.


"Hey, you're sure you're alright?" You ask as we start to drift off.

I smiled as convincingly as I could, knowing just how well I could pull it off if I tried. "Yeah, sweetie. I'm fine."
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